Even though life has been quite a trial, I must say there have been a number of blessings along the way. Even the most difficult day is replete with God's goodness and love for us. We do need to have eyes to see this goodness, as well as an open heart to accept what He does for us is always with our good in mind. It is also essential to keep eternity at the forefront of your thoughts. Our ways are not His ways.
Because a keep a journal (which has grown tremendously in length since November), it is easy to see many answered prayers and examples of God's goodness. The most obvious blessing is just that I am alive. The bleed stopped--- if it had been larger, or had bled quickly I would most likely not be here singing the praises of God. For a while, I was honestly disappointed that I could not just go to heaven and be with Jesus. Longing of heaven caused considerable sadness in me for a while, and I had to come to grips with the fact that it was apparently not my time. Of course, then I struggled with guilt that I wanted to leave.... Oh, the emotions I went through in just a few weeks! I am so thankful that I have a Big God who can deal with me, and all my emotions and thoughts.
The second blessing is that I am only nominally disabled. Had the bleed been larger, I could have had serious and significant disabilities. As it is, the only thing I simply can not do is run. The body will not cooperate at all. I am numb and weak on my left side, but I can still do most things--- just a bit more slowly. I am so grateful I am not sports-oriented; not being able to run does not ruin my day. The only issue that has become a bit more difficult is walking up and down the stairs of our new house (we moved in 2 weeks before my bleed). We haven't been here long enough to sell it, so I just need to deal with the hardship. But looking at the positive: I am sure the stairs have made my weak side stronger.
A third blessing I can think of is that the ordeal brought my husband and I closer. When we did not know if I was going to live, my husband and I spent many sweet times together. He would kneel at my bedside and weep--- verbalizing his struggle. My husband cried out to the Lord to save me, but he also surrendered his desires to the Lord's. I have never been more proud of my husband than in that moment when he finally surrendered me to God. It is such a difficult thing for a Type A physician to admit there was nothing he could do--- he had to trust God and let me go, it that was God's plan.
A fourth blessing relates to the third blessing. For years, I have prayed, "Lord, do whatever You need to do to bring my husband closer to You." My husband is a good man and a faithful church goer, but he has not always had a passionate relationship with Jesus Christ. Now, the relationship is so much stronger and more trusting. My husband reads the Word everyday now, and he has even led all of us in a family Bible study based on the book by David Jeremiah,"A Bend in the Road."So much growth can take place during crisis if we allow the Holy Spirit to minister to us. (By the way, Jeremiah's book is quite good and helpful.)
A fifth blessing is for my bleed itself. If I had not had a bleed, we never would have thought to have our biological kids tested. The MRI for my daughter could have very well saved her life. Sure, she will have medical issues to monitor throughout life, but this should not destroy her life. I also have 2 siblings, with a total of 6 nieces and nephews. They will all need to be tested, as well. Who knows who else will benefit from the crisis God allowed me suffer? Sometimes, what we perceive as bad is truly for our good. God works all things together for our good and for His purpose, if we belong to Him.
The final blessing that comes to mind is still tough to handle. This is not popular knowledge, but my husband and I had been in process to adopt a little girl from China. In fact, she was most likely due to come home this spring or early summer. All of our fees were paid, and we were just awaiting a travel date.
If is interesting to me that before and throughout the China process, I prayed, "Lord, if this little girl (we had named her Mia) is not meant to be in our family, do whatever You need to do to interfere with the process, because You know I'd adopt everyone, if I could."Soon after my stroke, it was very apparent to me that the Lord had interfered with this adoption process. We struggled with making a decision with whether or not to continue in the adoption process. We made the decision over a 3 month period---we had no peace continuing the process. In fact, the longer we waited, the more anxiety and discomfort we experienced while praying for wisdom. I had to accept that I now had limitations. Life was not the same; I was not the same person who initiated all the paperwork. It was another item to grieve and to let go of.
When we signed papers to relinquish our little girl, we found out that another family stepped forward almost immediately, asking for her paperwork. Could it be that we just stood in the gap for her? Perhaps we weren't every meant to be her forever family, but we had basically tied up her paperwork for two years--- was that time needed for her real family to step forward? I don't know. Perhaps the Lord was just testing us to see if we would actually proceed with what we thought was His call to adopt? Was He just seeing if we were willing?
So much of life we don't understand. Like the adoption journey. Was that really necessary, God? I still don't really understand why we had to go through all the financial strain and paperwork, etc--- and then not end up with a child. I just have to trust that this little one was not meant for our family, and that God has another plan for her--- she is to be a blessing for someone else. I have to cling to that trust---even when it seems so unreasonable. There must be a blessing somewhere....
Whatever crisis you may be in, remember to look up. Is there a lesson God is trying to teach you? Is there a blessing tucked away in the apparent nightmare? God may not reveal His purposes in every situation, so I consider myself very blessed that I am able to perceive a few blessings in the madness. I am just so thankful that this world is not all there is.
Because a keep a journal (which has grown tremendously in length since November), it is easy to see many answered prayers and examples of God's goodness. The most obvious blessing is just that I am alive. The bleed stopped--- if it had been larger, or had bled quickly I would most likely not be here singing the praises of God. For a while, I was honestly disappointed that I could not just go to heaven and be with Jesus. Longing of heaven caused considerable sadness in me for a while, and I had to come to grips with the fact that it was apparently not my time. Of course, then I struggled with guilt that I wanted to leave.... Oh, the emotions I went through in just a few weeks! I am so thankful that I have a Big God who can deal with me, and all my emotions and thoughts.
The second blessing is that I am only nominally disabled. Had the bleed been larger, I could have had serious and significant disabilities. As it is, the only thing I simply can not do is run. The body will not cooperate at all. I am numb and weak on my left side, but I can still do most things--- just a bit more slowly. I am so grateful I am not sports-oriented; not being able to run does not ruin my day. The only issue that has become a bit more difficult is walking up and down the stairs of our new house (we moved in 2 weeks before my bleed). We haven't been here long enough to sell it, so I just need to deal with the hardship. But looking at the positive: I am sure the stairs have made my weak side stronger.
A third blessing I can think of is that the ordeal brought my husband and I closer. When we did not know if I was going to live, my husband and I spent many sweet times together. He would kneel at my bedside and weep--- verbalizing his struggle. My husband cried out to the Lord to save me, but he also surrendered his desires to the Lord's. I have never been more proud of my husband than in that moment when he finally surrendered me to God. It is such a difficult thing for a Type A physician to admit there was nothing he could do--- he had to trust God and let me go, it that was God's plan.
A fourth blessing relates to the third blessing. For years, I have prayed, "Lord, do whatever You need to do to bring my husband closer to You." My husband is a good man and a faithful church goer, but he has not always had a passionate relationship with Jesus Christ. Now, the relationship is so much stronger and more trusting. My husband reads the Word everyday now, and he has even led all of us in a family Bible study based on the book by David Jeremiah,"A Bend in the Road."So much growth can take place during crisis if we allow the Holy Spirit to minister to us. (By the way, Jeremiah's book is quite good and helpful.)
A fifth blessing is for my bleed itself. If I had not had a bleed, we never would have thought to have our biological kids tested. The MRI for my daughter could have very well saved her life. Sure, she will have medical issues to monitor throughout life, but this should not destroy her life. I also have 2 siblings, with a total of 6 nieces and nephews. They will all need to be tested, as well. Who knows who else will benefit from the crisis God allowed me suffer? Sometimes, what we perceive as bad is truly for our good. God works all things together for our good and for His purpose, if we belong to Him.
The final blessing that comes to mind is still tough to handle. This is not popular knowledge, but my husband and I had been in process to adopt a little girl from China. In fact, she was most likely due to come home this spring or early summer. All of our fees were paid, and we were just awaiting a travel date.
If is interesting to me that before and throughout the China process, I prayed, "Lord, if this little girl (we had named her Mia) is not meant to be in our family, do whatever You need to do to interfere with the process, because You know I'd adopt everyone, if I could."Soon after my stroke, it was very apparent to me that the Lord had interfered with this adoption process. We struggled with making a decision with whether or not to continue in the adoption process. We made the decision over a 3 month period---we had no peace continuing the process. In fact, the longer we waited, the more anxiety and discomfort we experienced while praying for wisdom. I had to accept that I now had limitations. Life was not the same; I was not the same person who initiated all the paperwork. It was another item to grieve and to let go of.
When we signed papers to relinquish our little girl, we found out that another family stepped forward almost immediately, asking for her paperwork. Could it be that we just stood in the gap for her? Perhaps we weren't every meant to be her forever family, but we had basically tied up her paperwork for two years--- was that time needed for her real family to step forward? I don't know. Perhaps the Lord was just testing us to see if we would actually proceed with what we thought was His call to adopt? Was He just seeing if we were willing?
So much of life we don't understand. Like the adoption journey. Was that really necessary, God? I still don't really understand why we had to go through all the financial strain and paperwork, etc--- and then not end up with a child. I just have to trust that this little one was not meant for our family, and that God has another plan for her--- she is to be a blessing for someone else. I have to cling to that trust---even when it seems so unreasonable. There must be a blessing somewhere....
Whatever crisis you may be in, remember to look up. Is there a lesson God is trying to teach you? Is there a blessing tucked away in the apparent nightmare? God may not reveal His purposes in every situation, so I consider myself very blessed that I am able to perceive a few blessings in the madness. I am just so thankful that this world is not all there is.
I love reading more of your thoughts here, Kristen. What an encouragement you are to me! Love to you! xo
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