Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Update for Months 20-21
It's been forever since I've written a thing. Life just has a way of floating by--- sometimes at speeds that your mind and body can barely grasp. A lot has changed for our family; some of it I simply haven't had the energy to put into words.
First, my three Ethiopian children.
The only description at this point is JOY. I'll begin with our boys. My young men are completely bonded, loving and affectionate. They have left behind their anxieties and acting out behaviors; hyperactivity is reserved for exciting events. Both are progressing in school, although mommy has certainly adjusted her expectations of what makes the day a "good school day." I love and adore these boys. I honestly feel that finally... at last... they seem like they've just about always been here.
And oh how I love my newest little girl! Her dazzling smile and contagious laughter brightens any room. When she's happy, it's as if the whole world sings. My dear daughter, however, still has some behavioral and bonding issues. Mainly, I see poor self-image as the culprit. I do think part of it is the age; I remember 8 and 9 being somewhat difficult years with my biological daughter. Something between being caught between childhood and the teen years... it's a challenge for all involved. My daughter is physically affectionate, learning in school, and getting along better with her siblings. But for her, the loss of her birth mom and little brother, along with other painful experiences simply makes her transition more difficult. She has difficulty making friends and being friendly.
I am a great fan of Karyn Purvis' work. In fact, I have been working through her video series on attachment and bonding. After watching and listening to her advice, I try and put some of it immediately into action. As a result, my daughter has been very forthcoming with her history, and the stories just keep pouring out. I think this is helped her to process and accept her past trauma.
One of the conversations I just had with my ET daughter involved how she thought her birth parents viewed her. She told me that her mom loved her, but that her mom had a hard time taking care of her. She moved back and forth between her mom's home and her uncle's home. She remembers often getting in trouble for hurting her little brother; she doesn't relay any stories of cuddling with her mom or having any fun with her mom. Her mom never told her that she was being given up for adoption; one morning after a family party (her farewell party) she just said good-bye---her mom told her she was going to America. As for her birth father, my daughter recalls this (whether it is reality or imagined... it his HER reality): "My father looked at me and made a mean, growling-like face. He hated me. He wanted me to be a boy. I have had dreams that he is in hell, surrounded by fire. I went to try and rescue him, but I couldn't." This is the reality of my little girl.
As her mom, I desperately want her to feel loved, safe, adored, accepted, confident, and brave. She comes from a place of sadness, rejection, and fear. Her healing will be a process, but I am very encouraged by the progress and strides she has made. What is helping this process also is that she is just starting to internalize the Word of God. The Scripture of "overcoming evil with good" is just starting to make some sense. She is learning to be more gentle with her siblings and more kind with her words. Healing is a beautiful, although slow process. I am beginning to see the loveliness of the real girl--- she's beginning to blossom into a new creation.
My other lovely ladies are growing up and changing, too. Although the "cat fights" are still too frequent to my liking, they have certainly diminished in terms of frequency and intensity. All three of my girls are hormonal, which does not help! Additionally, my oldest daughter still struggles with adjusting thyroid levels, something that makes being 15 just that much more challenging. All in all, however, the girls are interacting on a much more peaceful basis. They are beginning to enjoy each other's company, and in fact, seeking one another out just to hang out.
My "original" boys are growing like weeds! D-Man is now taller than I am, and T-Man looks like a man now. I have always dearly loved my boys, but as I see the sweetness and kindness of their hearts towards all of their younger sibs, I feel profound joy. They have learned to put their own desires aside to minister to the needs of their big family. They too, are showing the fruits of reading and applying the Word. There truly is no bigger joy than to see your children following the Lord!
But not all has been rosy. Even those who follow the Lord see dark and dreadful days. We've had some of those lately, too.
One of my dearest friends recently passed on to Eternity. She was one of the very few people who had known me for so long--- my struggles, my fears, my anxieties, my joys--- that losing her just left a gaping hole in my heart. We always had an interesting relationship. We didn't didn't see each other very often, but when we'd talk, it was just like we had never missed a moment. We joked that we had a "Holy Spirit kinda connection." I would have dreams about her, which in hindsight always came true. This was both sweet and painful, as I knew 7 years ago she would die from her cancer. (No, I chose not to share that dream.) Other times, the dreams served to provide her some much needed encouragement during her 13-year cancer battle. I also knew the weekend she died; I literally became overcome by grief and cried inconsolably for two days prior to her passing... only to dry my face and praise the Lord when she did finally died. She lived her life well, and she showed me what holy courage looks like in the face of evil.
My biggest regret was that I did not get to say good-bye to her--- to see her beaming smile one last time. But within three weeks God also granted me that wish: I had another dream, that although it terrified me at the time. I saw her one last time--- sweet Angela, smiling from ear to ear. Her smile let me know that she was more than better--- she was alive and joy-filled! Praise God! He cares about our every need, thought, and desire. His life gives us hope and prompts us to live well.
And that is my prayer: That the Lord would continue to develop in me the strength, wisdom, and character that I need to finish my race well. I want to make My Father proud.
First, my three Ethiopian children.
The only description at this point is JOY. I'll begin with our boys. My young men are completely bonded, loving and affectionate. They have left behind their anxieties and acting out behaviors; hyperactivity is reserved for exciting events. Both are progressing in school, although mommy has certainly adjusted her expectations of what makes the day a "good school day." I love and adore these boys. I honestly feel that finally... at last... they seem like they've just about always been here.
And oh how I love my newest little girl! Her dazzling smile and contagious laughter brightens any room. When she's happy, it's as if the whole world sings. My dear daughter, however, still has some behavioral and bonding issues. Mainly, I see poor self-image as the culprit. I do think part of it is the age; I remember 8 and 9 being somewhat difficult years with my biological daughter. Something between being caught between childhood and the teen years... it's a challenge for all involved. My daughter is physically affectionate, learning in school, and getting along better with her siblings. But for her, the loss of her birth mom and little brother, along with other painful experiences simply makes her transition more difficult. She has difficulty making friends and being friendly.
I am a great fan of Karyn Purvis' work. In fact, I have been working through her video series on attachment and bonding. After watching and listening to her advice, I try and put some of it immediately into action. As a result, my daughter has been very forthcoming with her history, and the stories just keep pouring out. I think this is helped her to process and accept her past trauma.
One of the conversations I just had with my ET daughter involved how she thought her birth parents viewed her. She told me that her mom loved her, but that her mom had a hard time taking care of her. She moved back and forth between her mom's home and her uncle's home. She remembers often getting in trouble for hurting her little brother; she doesn't relay any stories of cuddling with her mom or having any fun with her mom. Her mom never told her that she was being given up for adoption; one morning after a family party (her farewell party) she just said good-bye---her mom told her she was going to America. As for her birth father, my daughter recalls this (whether it is reality or imagined... it his HER reality): "My father looked at me and made a mean, growling-like face. He hated me. He wanted me to be a boy. I have had dreams that he is in hell, surrounded by fire. I went to try and rescue him, but I couldn't." This is the reality of my little girl.
As her mom, I desperately want her to feel loved, safe, adored, accepted, confident, and brave. She comes from a place of sadness, rejection, and fear. Her healing will be a process, but I am very encouraged by the progress and strides she has made. What is helping this process also is that she is just starting to internalize the Word of God. The Scripture of "overcoming evil with good" is just starting to make some sense. She is learning to be more gentle with her siblings and more kind with her words. Healing is a beautiful, although slow process. I am beginning to see the loveliness of the real girl--- she's beginning to blossom into a new creation.
My other lovely ladies are growing up and changing, too. Although the "cat fights" are still too frequent to my liking, they have certainly diminished in terms of frequency and intensity. All three of my girls are hormonal, which does not help! Additionally, my oldest daughter still struggles with adjusting thyroid levels, something that makes being 15 just that much more challenging. All in all, however, the girls are interacting on a much more peaceful basis. They are beginning to enjoy each other's company, and in fact, seeking one another out just to hang out.
My "original" boys are growing like weeds! D-Man is now taller than I am, and T-Man looks like a man now. I have always dearly loved my boys, but as I see the sweetness and kindness of their hearts towards all of their younger sibs, I feel profound joy. They have learned to put their own desires aside to minister to the needs of their big family. They too, are showing the fruits of reading and applying the Word. There truly is no bigger joy than to see your children following the Lord!
But not all has been rosy. Even those who follow the Lord see dark and dreadful days. We've had some of those lately, too.
One of my dearest friends recently passed on to Eternity. She was one of the very few people who had known me for so long--- my struggles, my fears, my anxieties, my joys--- that losing her just left a gaping hole in my heart. We always had an interesting relationship. We didn't didn't see each other very often, but when we'd talk, it was just like we had never missed a moment. We joked that we had a "Holy Spirit kinda connection." I would have dreams about her, which in hindsight always came true. This was both sweet and painful, as I knew 7 years ago she would die from her cancer. (No, I chose not to share that dream.) Other times, the dreams served to provide her some much needed encouragement during her 13-year cancer battle. I also knew the weekend she died; I literally became overcome by grief and cried inconsolably for two days prior to her passing... only to dry my face and praise the Lord when she did finally died. She lived her life well, and she showed me what holy courage looks like in the face of evil.
My biggest regret was that I did not get to say good-bye to her--- to see her beaming smile one last time. But within three weeks God also granted me that wish: I had another dream, that although it terrified me at the time. I saw her one last time--- sweet Angela, smiling from ear to ear. Her smile let me know that she was more than better--- she was alive and joy-filled! Praise God! He cares about our every need, thought, and desire. His life gives us hope and prompts us to live well.
And that is my prayer: That the Lord would continue to develop in me the strength, wisdom, and character that I need to finish my race well. I want to make My Father proud.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Updates for Months 18 and 19
 |
| What? We're moving? |
Yes, it was quite the surprise for all of us... Dear husband received a totally unsolicited job offer--- a job he just couldn't turn down. The decision itself was a pretty easy one to make; the new position offers my husband a unparalleled opportunity to use his God-given medical diagnostic ability in a much more dynamic and creative way. The only issue was moving--- and moving quickly, I might add.
So after careful thought and much prayer, we left our relatively quite life in a self-contained community and moved an hour east--- but it may as well have been across the country. The atmosphere of our new community is beautiful, but it is radically different and quite upscale. We made the decision, packed, and moved within four weeks! It was crazy busy, but really positive. We knew that the Lord was providing direction and opportunity; all the "doors" flew open and we walked through all of them with relative ease. We were blessed to find a large home with a pool (the pool took much of the "moving pain" away); we were blessed to have been at the end of our lease in our current home; we were blessed to find a new church the first Sunday we attended a service. When it's the Lord's will and timing for something to happen, He will surely bring it about!
The most difficult part of the move was the uneasiness some of the children experienced. Thankfully, our yearlings have been home almost 19 months now, so the fear was not too debilitating. The kids had some expected times of anxiety and hyperactivity, but really nothing unusual. I was really quite pleased with their ability to adapt so quickly to a new environment and surroundings. I suppose when you've been through as tough a thing as international adoption is, moving an hour away is not too unnerving.
I imagine the key to my kids' adjustment is simply that they have been home long enough and they feel safe and secure. They trust us to take care of them, and to listen to and acknowledge their anxieties. I still remember the agony Miss B. went through years ago, when we did move from one state to another. Poor discombobulated Miss B. had only been home for 3 months. THAT was a difficult adjustment: Miss B. literally cried every night for 3 weeks and acted out at every opportunity. Needless to say, she transitioned well this time and set a good example for the others.
Because of the move, we have put aside formal schooling. That came at a good time for me, as my brain needed a bit of a break from the often times frustrating experience that comes with teaching English as a second language. For two of the kids, we had hit the proverbial "wall" in some of our phonics/language lessons.
The biggest educational challenge at this point is figuring out how to help my daughter with what appears to be an auditory (and perhaps visual) processing glitch. One of my sons may also have a processing issue, too, but it does not appear to be as severe.
With an auditory processing glitch, a person may have difficulty repeating what he or she hears. That person may also have poor auditory and visual memory, not being able to recall numbers, photos, sequences, or other details. A good example of this is not being able to repeat more than about 4 items at a time--- making getting through the alphabet a very time consuming and frustrating process. After doing detailed research and reading in the area of brain integration therapy and numerous processing issues, I believe my daughter and son will be helped by a variety of different modalities I can do at home. Many of the exercises we have tried are taken from Dianne Craft's work. When I unpack all of my boxes, I can pass along the materials we have started using. I do hope this will be the "thing" that helps my children learn with greater ease and less frustration.
Regarding behavior in general, the yearlings are doing very well. The bubble gum dispenser and associated treasure box system still works, thank God! And all of the kids have learned to value money and what it can be used for when managed appropriately. The kids have gone from caving to the immediate gratification of a red gum ball, to saving up eighty-some nickels before deciding what particular toy to purchase. Wonderful experiment!
Lying, stealing, cheating is at an all-time low. The kids now admit to most wrong-doings and apologizing is getting easier. Property destruction is now "normal." They all take much better care of their rooms, the bathroom, and their toys.
Food issues linger with two children. I imagine those issues may be very long term. Severe hunger does leave an evil and hard to forget impression on a young soul.
Any negativity with the kids mainly stems from my still unrealistic expectations as to where the kids "ought" to be at a particular point. Fact is, they are socially younger than their ages; I need to remind myself of it all the time. I also need to remind myself that when they do act out, I can't take their behavior personally. I need to engrave that point on my forehead!
In hindsight, I think the 18 month marker is really a major turning point for post-adoption adjustment. By this time, you've pretty much sorted out behaviors, personalities, and other idiosyncrasies--- in yourself and your kids. Life is much more relaxed and enjoyable; interaction is more natural and easy. Time heals. It is so important to be patient with yourself and your children, and to keep learning. The Lord will show you what He needs you to do and who He needs you to be for your kids. It all takes time, and a surrender of doing things a certain way. It requires you to love in a way you've never been challenged to before--- to love passionately, decisively, and with a determined spirit to never give up and always give more.
I imagine the key to my kids' adjustment is simply that they have been home long enough and they feel safe and secure. They trust us to take care of them, and to listen to and acknowledge their anxieties. I still remember the agony Miss B. went through years ago, when we did move from one state to another. Poor discombobulated Miss B. had only been home for 3 months. THAT was a difficult adjustment: Miss B. literally cried every night for 3 weeks and acted out at every opportunity. Needless to say, she transitioned well this time and set a good example for the others.
Because of the move, we have put aside formal schooling. That came at a good time for me, as my brain needed a bit of a break from the often times frustrating experience that comes with teaching English as a second language. For two of the kids, we had hit the proverbial "wall" in some of our phonics/language lessons.
The biggest educational challenge at this point is figuring out how to help my daughter with what appears to be an auditory (and perhaps visual) processing glitch. One of my sons may also have a processing issue, too, but it does not appear to be as severe.
With an auditory processing glitch, a person may have difficulty repeating what he or she hears. That person may also have poor auditory and visual memory, not being able to recall numbers, photos, sequences, or other details. A good example of this is not being able to repeat more than about 4 items at a time--- making getting through the alphabet a very time consuming and frustrating process. After doing detailed research and reading in the area of brain integration therapy and numerous processing issues, I believe my daughter and son will be helped by a variety of different modalities I can do at home. Many of the exercises we have tried are taken from Dianne Craft's work. When I unpack all of my boxes, I can pass along the materials we have started using. I do hope this will be the "thing" that helps my children learn with greater ease and less frustration.
Regarding behavior in general, the yearlings are doing very well. The bubble gum dispenser and associated treasure box system still works, thank God! And all of the kids have learned to value money and what it can be used for when managed appropriately. The kids have gone from caving to the immediate gratification of a red gum ball, to saving up eighty-some nickels before deciding what particular toy to purchase. Wonderful experiment!
Lying, stealing, cheating is at an all-time low. The kids now admit to most wrong-doings and apologizing is getting easier. Property destruction is now "normal." They all take much better care of their rooms, the bathroom, and their toys.
Food issues linger with two children. I imagine those issues may be very long term. Severe hunger does leave an evil and hard to forget impression on a young soul.
Any negativity with the kids mainly stems from my still unrealistic expectations as to where the kids "ought" to be at a particular point. Fact is, they are socially younger than their ages; I need to remind myself of it all the time. I also need to remind myself that when they do act out, I can't take their behavior personally. I need to engrave that point on my forehead!
In hindsight, I think the 18 month marker is really a major turning point for post-adoption adjustment. By this time, you've pretty much sorted out behaviors, personalities, and other idiosyncrasies--- in yourself and your kids. Life is much more relaxed and enjoyable; interaction is more natural and easy. Time heals. It is so important to be patient with yourself and your children, and to keep learning. The Lord will show you what He needs you to do and who He needs you to be for your kids. It all takes time, and a surrender of doing things a certain way. It requires you to love in a way you've never been challenged to before--- to love passionately, decisively, and with a determined spirit to never give up and always give more.
Friday, May 20, 2011
17 Month Update
Well, I just spent the last couple of days cleaning out bedrooms. Eight huge black garbage bags full of too-small clothes and extra stuff just headed for a garage sale. We also donated a few other items, as we are cleaning out EVERYTHING.
Reason for the cleaning? My wit's end!
When your social worker and agency "recommend" that you keep it simple, please listen! I thought, truly I did, that I had reduced the amount of stuff in the kids' rooms, but it turns out my version of "simple" was not really simple enough. The yearlings, even after 17 months of structure, rules, and encouragement, can not manage with more than the clothing on their backs and one pair shoes at a time. If they have drawers or closets full of clothing, they will throw it, destroy it, leave it outside, or otherwise waste these items.
I cry when I think of the amount of wasted resources.
Want to send a gift, don't do it unless you don't care if it lasts one day.
What I ended up doing is what I guess I should have done in the first place: I removed ALL clothing, shoes, and toys from their rooms. Everything we kept for the kids is now in one large plastic container--- one per child. Now, they have to ask me for everything. You need clean underwear? Ask Mom. You need shoes? Ask Mom. It is rather tiring for Mom, but I'm hoping that it will teach them to actually appreciate and take care of the items they do have. Even if it doesn't teach appreciation, at least I won't be losing my mind in the mess.
I also have a night patrol: after I have announced bed time and reminded them to pick up their belongings, if anything is left on the floor, I throw it out. I have thrown out (donated) several pairs of shoes, socks, play cell phones, hats, etc. all in just a couple of days. One child now has lost three pairs of shoes in four days. That child's response? The beginning of the week it was, "I don't care." Towards the end of the week it was, "Darn it." Hmmm. Perhaps they are starting to connect the dots.
We are still working with obeying household rules, and the gumball experiment still works (see older post). But even with all the reminding and the incentives, the two older ones still can not take much personal responsibility for their actions. Guess they are just normal kids! In fact, I still get lots of blank stares when I remind them of rules. It has gotten better, especially the lying and stealing--- great strides, in fact. But sometimes they just relapse and seem to forget everything. This is especially true if family or friends visit.
Only other comment for the month is that two of the kids still do not consistently know their ABC's. We've gone back to basics in lots of areas, it seems. Such is the continuing saga of raising lots of kids!
Reason for the cleaning? My wit's end!
When your social worker and agency "recommend" that you keep it simple, please listen! I thought, truly I did, that I had reduced the amount of stuff in the kids' rooms, but it turns out my version of "simple" was not really simple enough. The yearlings, even after 17 months of structure, rules, and encouragement, can not manage with more than the clothing on their backs and one pair shoes at a time. If they have drawers or closets full of clothing, they will throw it, destroy it, leave it outside, or otherwise waste these items.
I cry when I think of the amount of wasted resources.
Want to send a gift, don't do it unless you don't care if it lasts one day.
What I ended up doing is what I guess I should have done in the first place: I removed ALL clothing, shoes, and toys from their rooms. Everything we kept for the kids is now in one large plastic container--- one per child. Now, they have to ask me for everything. You need clean underwear? Ask Mom. You need shoes? Ask Mom. It is rather tiring for Mom, but I'm hoping that it will teach them to actually appreciate and take care of the items they do have. Even if it doesn't teach appreciation, at least I won't be losing my mind in the mess.
I also have a night patrol: after I have announced bed time and reminded them to pick up their belongings, if anything is left on the floor, I throw it out. I have thrown out (donated) several pairs of shoes, socks, play cell phones, hats, etc. all in just a couple of days. One child now has lost three pairs of shoes in four days. That child's response? The beginning of the week it was, "I don't care." Towards the end of the week it was, "Darn it." Hmmm. Perhaps they are starting to connect the dots.
We are still working with obeying household rules, and the gumball experiment still works (see older post). But even with all the reminding and the incentives, the two older ones still can not take much personal responsibility for their actions. Guess they are just normal kids! In fact, I still get lots of blank stares when I remind them of rules. It has gotten better, especially the lying and stealing--- great strides, in fact. But sometimes they just relapse and seem to forget everything. This is especially true if family or friends visit.
Only other comment for the month is that two of the kids still do not consistently know their ABC's. We've gone back to basics in lots of areas, it seems. Such is the continuing saga of raising lots of kids!
Recent Photos of the Fam
 |
| Mom and the Little Girls |
 |
| The Three Musketeers |
 |
| The Crazy Boys |
 |
| All the At-Home Kids |
 |
| Happy Easter! |
 |
| Sweet Smiles |
 |
| Nice Hair |
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
16 Month Update
This month has been difficult. Yet, I suppose difficult is in reality "good," as most difficult situations yield an opportunity for tremendous growth. At least that's what I keep reminding myself....
Since the kids have been home, they have each had issues with lying, stealing, or cheating. Obviously, ALL kids do this, so we really weren't at all alarmed when problems arose. Generally, the more relationship we built with the kids and the more secure they felt, the less negative behavior we saw. Two of the kids follow this pattern; they responded to encouragement and to correction, and indeed felt badly when they did something wrong. But one just didn't seem to be responding.
This particular child is sweet, sensitive, and brimming over with joy and enthusiasm. Yet, this one struggles with lingering fear of punishment and fear of disapproval (at least that's my guess). This is the child who feels so much--- the one who cries most frequently for a missed friend or family member; the one who lives life on full-tilt. How is it possible that the one who is so affectionate and genuinely loving be the one who will lie to your face about anything, who will steal from his or her own siblings, who will cheat anyone in school, in a game, or in a family setting? It doesn't logically makes sense, but it is oh so common in adoptive children striving to attach to family.
When my husband and I finally realized that this behavior was simply not dissipating, we emailed our ever-brilliant social worker, Lisa Peterson of Building Arizona Families. To my surprise and delight, she called me back and we chatted for a good long time. Indeed, she had dealt with this issue before and shared some great ideas that I'd like to pass on to anyone in the same situation.
First, we talked about discipline and how we generally correct the children. The glaring issue for me and how I parent is that I feel that I have not been positive enough--- failing to look for and point out the good and appropriate behaviors of the kids. Kids thrive on positive reinforcement, and my kids needed more positive reinforcement as opposed to negative reinforcement (i.e. verbal correction). What worked with my biological kids simply does not work for my new kids. Think about it: internationally adopted kids naturally have so many disappointments, rejections, and apparent failures. For instance, learning to read in a different language is overwhelmingly difficult--- it's horrible for a child to feel stupid and inadequate. Another example: adapting to faster-paced lifestyle and rhythm of life is disconcerting and tiring. But perhaps of most importance, figuring out how to please those you love is confusing and different. So now that I understand in a whole new way that my children are sometimes afraid of "falling short" and not pleasing us, I can see why lying and cheating is often times an "easy out." Therefore, I'm trying a lot harder to look for and verbally acknowledge the good things, the good tries, the positive attitudes, the sweet strivings. For my biological kids, this type of praise would probably have created spoiled monsters, but with these newbies, it is like a soothing balm to the spirit.
The second area of concern, the lying and stealing, was a bit more complex. Some of the stealing, Lisa and I felt, was due to a lack of impulse control and no true understanding of cause and effect. Regardless of the chronological age of the child, the children still act much more emotionally immature than their stated ages. Our expectations have been too high. We see a 7, 8, and 9 year old, but truly they act more like 5 or 6! So what to do?
We recognize that lying and stealing is absolutely unacceptable and needs a strong response, but how does a parent have a strong response without intimidating or frightening a child? My social worker gave me some new tools. The first? Candy. Yes, candy. Now doing tune me out just yet! My social worker said "candy" to me and I had to bite my tongue until I found out she dislikes candy even more than I do! What we have done is to purchase a gum ball machine and dust off a previously purchased "treasure box" from a first grade rewards system I used with my older kids. Every time a child does a positive thing (e.g. admits he or she is wrong, does a chore, is sweet to a sibling, etc.), that child receives a nickel. Nickels are kept in the kitchen, in individually labeled jars for each child. The kids are permitted to have a gum ball anytime they ask, providing they have a nickel. Yes, they can have gum even if it's right before dinner--- anytime is anytime. The only exception to gum ball mania is that they must always have one nickel in the jar at all times (explanation to follow), and that nickels are the only coin to be used in the machine. And yes, I did need to pain-stakingly remove all other nickels from the house, so the kids could not use other unearned nickels.
On the flip side of the candy scheme, Mom or Dad can take nickels from the child. A mean-spirited jab results in losing a nickel. Not following through on a chore means losing one or more nickels. Hitting the dog results in losing a nickel, and so on. The only additional rule was simple: lying, cheating, and stealing of any sort resulting in immediately losing ALL coins, regardless of how many nickels accumulated.
Days one through five of this experiment were startlingly wonderful! The kids were asking for chores, and going out of their way to help me and to help each other. I felt kinda guilty, as my house was wonderfully clean! But alas, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is! The first time I went to empty the nickels from the bottom of the gum ball machine, I found a handful of other coins; someone was trying to cheat the system. The positive? I did get two confessions. Two kids lost about 30 nickels each. (What I now have done is to mark with permanent ink, every nickel "in the system" and check the coin holder often.) Hard lesson. Great outcome. I had very rarely gotten a confession out of any one, and two in one day was fantastic! I was encouraged.
The kids seem to be learning lots of lessons from the candy experiment. First, they are capable of delaying gratification. Second, they are capable of telling the truth and of confessing sin. Third, hard work pays off! Fourth, there is such a thing as cause and effect. Thus far, I'm liking the system and am interesting in seeing if this promotes long-term behavioral change in the kids.
A few other new bonding/attachment activities were are trying are:
The other family rule we have established is that if a person purposefully destroys an item or steals any property from another, the guilty person must make restitution to the tune of at least double what was taken. So, as an example, if one child steals a dollar from another, he or she must pay two dollars to the victim and apologize fully. We have only had to do this once since the candy experiment.
As a side note to this update, I also have been praying specifically for the Lord to reveal any falsehoods in my household. I made sure that I told the kids what I was praying, too. And you know what? The Lord has answered that prayer quickly and frequently--- to the point that my kids have developed a bit more fear of the Lord. Now, I'm getting unprompted confessions. Pretty amazing stuff from a pretty amazing God!
Additional updates with the kids would be in the school realm. The kids are doing wonderfully well with their reading and with math. The constant frustration is going away, and my more positive teaching demeanor encourages a lot more joy in the classroom.
The only other notable change this month would be that I can finally allow the kids to play in the front yard without me physically watching their every move. I still have the garage door open, listening and watching from a distance; but, I am attempting to give them more freedom of movement when they act in a trustworthy manner. I did set up definite physical parameters for their play (e.g. "Don't go past this sign or that mailbox.").Yet, they thoroughly enjoy knowing that Mom trusts them enough to make good decisions. This is a very positive change for everyone.
Since the kids have been home, they have each had issues with lying, stealing, or cheating. Obviously, ALL kids do this, so we really weren't at all alarmed when problems arose. Generally, the more relationship we built with the kids and the more secure they felt, the less negative behavior we saw. Two of the kids follow this pattern; they responded to encouragement and to correction, and indeed felt badly when they did something wrong. But one just didn't seem to be responding.
This particular child is sweet, sensitive, and brimming over with joy and enthusiasm. Yet, this one struggles with lingering fear of punishment and fear of disapproval (at least that's my guess). This is the child who feels so much--- the one who cries most frequently for a missed friend or family member; the one who lives life on full-tilt. How is it possible that the one who is so affectionate and genuinely loving be the one who will lie to your face about anything, who will steal from his or her own siblings, who will cheat anyone in school, in a game, or in a family setting? It doesn't logically makes sense, but it is oh so common in adoptive children striving to attach to family.
When my husband and I finally realized that this behavior was simply not dissipating, we emailed our ever-brilliant social worker, Lisa Peterson of Building Arizona Families. To my surprise and delight, she called me back and we chatted for a good long time. Indeed, she had dealt with this issue before and shared some great ideas that I'd like to pass on to anyone in the same situation.
First, we talked about discipline and how we generally correct the children. The glaring issue for me and how I parent is that I feel that I have not been positive enough--- failing to look for and point out the good and appropriate behaviors of the kids. Kids thrive on positive reinforcement, and my kids needed more positive reinforcement as opposed to negative reinforcement (i.e. verbal correction). What worked with my biological kids simply does not work for my new kids. Think about it: internationally adopted kids naturally have so many disappointments, rejections, and apparent failures. For instance, learning to read in a different language is overwhelmingly difficult--- it's horrible for a child to feel stupid and inadequate. Another example: adapting to faster-paced lifestyle and rhythm of life is disconcerting and tiring. But perhaps of most importance, figuring out how to please those you love is confusing and different. So now that I understand in a whole new way that my children are sometimes afraid of "falling short" and not pleasing us, I can see why lying and cheating is often times an "easy out." Therefore, I'm trying a lot harder to look for and verbally acknowledge the good things, the good tries, the positive attitudes, the sweet strivings. For my biological kids, this type of praise would probably have created spoiled monsters, but with these newbies, it is like a soothing balm to the spirit.
The second area of concern, the lying and stealing, was a bit more complex. Some of the stealing, Lisa and I felt, was due to a lack of impulse control and no true understanding of cause and effect. Regardless of the chronological age of the child, the children still act much more emotionally immature than their stated ages. Our expectations have been too high. We see a 7, 8, and 9 year old, but truly they act more like 5 or 6! So what to do?
We recognize that lying and stealing is absolutely unacceptable and needs a strong response, but how does a parent have a strong response without intimidating or frightening a child? My social worker gave me some new tools. The first? Candy. Yes, candy. Now doing tune me out just yet! My social worker said "candy" to me and I had to bite my tongue until I found out she dislikes candy even more than I do! What we have done is to purchase a gum ball machine and dust off a previously purchased "treasure box" from a first grade rewards system I used with my older kids. Every time a child does a positive thing (e.g. admits he or she is wrong, does a chore, is sweet to a sibling, etc.), that child receives a nickel. Nickels are kept in the kitchen, in individually labeled jars for each child. The kids are permitted to have a gum ball anytime they ask, providing they have a nickel. Yes, they can have gum even if it's right before dinner--- anytime is anytime. The only exception to gum ball mania is that they must always have one nickel in the jar at all times (explanation to follow), and that nickels are the only coin to be used in the machine. And yes, I did need to pain-stakingly remove all other nickels from the house, so the kids could not use other unearned nickels.
On the flip side of the candy scheme, Mom or Dad can take nickels from the child. A mean-spirited jab results in losing a nickel. Not following through on a chore means losing one or more nickels. Hitting the dog results in losing a nickel, and so on. The only additional rule was simple: lying, cheating, and stealing of any sort resulting in immediately losing ALL coins, regardless of how many nickels accumulated.
Days one through five of this experiment were startlingly wonderful! The kids were asking for chores, and going out of their way to help me and to help each other. I felt kinda guilty, as my house was wonderfully clean! But alas, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is! The first time I went to empty the nickels from the bottom of the gum ball machine, I found a handful of other coins; someone was trying to cheat the system. The positive? I did get two confessions. Two kids lost about 30 nickels each. (What I now have done is to mark with permanent ink, every nickel "in the system" and check the coin holder often.) Hard lesson. Great outcome. I had very rarely gotten a confession out of any one, and two in one day was fantastic! I was encouraged.
The kids seem to be learning lots of lessons from the candy experiment. First, they are capable of delaying gratification. Second, they are capable of telling the truth and of confessing sin. Third, hard work pays off! Fourth, there is such a thing as cause and effect. Thus far, I'm liking the system and am interesting in seeing if this promotes long-term behavioral change in the kids.
A few other new bonding/attachment activities were are trying are:
- Reading to one child in a rocking chair, complete with baby bottle and soft blanket--- different child every night
- "VIP Day" every Friday (child gets one treasure box treat, gets to choose the lunch or dinner menu, and gets some other small recognition)
- More consistent and planned "dates" with Mom or Dad--- different child every week
- Fun Fridays: change Friday to a more light-hearted school day (do all the favorites, such as memory games, geography, science, puzzles, art, etc.)
- Front-yard picnics on Sundays
The other family rule we have established is that if a person purposefully destroys an item or steals any property from another, the guilty person must make restitution to the tune of at least double what was taken. So, as an example, if one child steals a dollar from another, he or she must pay two dollars to the victim and apologize fully. We have only had to do this once since the candy experiment.
As a side note to this update, I also have been praying specifically for the Lord to reveal any falsehoods in my household. I made sure that I told the kids what I was praying, too. And you know what? The Lord has answered that prayer quickly and frequently--- to the point that my kids have developed a bit more fear of the Lord. Now, I'm getting unprompted confessions. Pretty amazing stuff from a pretty amazing God!
Additional updates with the kids would be in the school realm. The kids are doing wonderfully well with their reading and with math. The constant frustration is going away, and my more positive teaching demeanor encourages a lot more joy in the classroom.
The only other notable change this month would be that I can finally allow the kids to play in the front yard without me physically watching their every move. I still have the garage door open, listening and watching from a distance; but, I am attempting to give them more freedom of movement when they act in a trustworthy manner. I did set up definite physical parameters for their play (e.g. "Don't go past this sign or that mailbox.").Yet, they thoroughly enjoy knowing that Mom trusts them enough to make good decisions. This is a very positive change for everyone.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Educational Helps: What Works for New English Learners
I experiment a lot with new and different curriculums for my "yearlings" (a term a fellow adoptive mom used for her kids who had been home around a year). I have found that I've had to be very open and flexible; if something doesn't quite work for one of the kids, I quickly move on to something else. As you will see, we do many math-related workbooks; this is simply because phonics, reading, and spelling concepts take significantly more time for my kids to grasp.
Here's the list of what we are currently using. No two days look alike:
Creative Teaching Press:
Following Directions, 1-2 (this is one of my favorite new additions)
Phonemic Awareness, Pre K-2 (for word lists)
Sight Word Readers, K-1 and starting 1-2
Dover Publications
How to Draw, by Barbara Soloff Levy
Top That Publishing
How to Draw 101 Animals
Critical Thinking
Complete the Picture-- Math, Book1
Mathematical Reasoning, Level B
Can You Find Me? K-1
Thinker Doodles, A1
Math Analogies A1 (for my daughter, home 3 years; too difficult for new English learners)
EPS School Speciality
Touchphonics (entire system, including associated workbooks and other recommended readers)
Merrill Readers
Horizons
Penmanship, Grade 2
Kumon
Writing Words, 5-6-7
Geometry and Measurement, 1
Math Games and Puzzles, 1
Word Problems, 1
Simple Sentences, 5-6-7
(Reading 1 did NOT work for us)
Sylvan Learning
Basic Math Skills, Level 1
Vocabulary Puzzles, 1
Math Games and Puzzles, 1
Saxon Math
Grade 1 (just finishing the end)
Flash cards (with the answers written in on the card in red ink)
Scholastic
100 Sight Word Mini-Books, K-2
Learning Sight Words is Easy, K-2
Evan Moor
Science: Read and Understand, 1-2
Beginning Geography, Vol. 2
Kathy Troxel
Addition and Subtraction Songs
Geography Songs
States and Capitals
Software (for Mac)
Sponge Bob Typing (they ASK to do their typing!)
Here's the list of what we are currently using. No two days look alike:
Creative Teaching Press:
Following Directions, 1-2 (this is one of my favorite new additions)
Phonemic Awareness, Pre K-2 (for word lists)
Sight Word Readers, K-1 and starting 1-2
Dover Publications
How to Draw, by Barbara Soloff Levy
Top That Publishing
How to Draw 101 Animals
Critical Thinking
Complete the Picture-- Math, Book1
Mathematical Reasoning, Level B
Can You Find Me? K-1
Thinker Doodles, A1
Math Analogies A1 (for my daughter, home 3 years; too difficult for new English learners)
EPS School Speciality
Touchphonics (entire system, including associated workbooks and other recommended readers)
Merrill Readers
Horizons
Penmanship, Grade 2
Kumon
Writing Words, 5-6-7
Geometry and Measurement, 1
Math Games and Puzzles, 1
Word Problems, 1
Simple Sentences, 5-6-7
(Reading 1 did NOT work for us)
Sylvan Learning
Basic Math Skills, Level 1
Vocabulary Puzzles, 1
Math Games and Puzzles, 1
Saxon Math
Grade 1 (just finishing the end)
Flash cards (with the answers written in on the card in red ink)
Scholastic
100 Sight Word Mini-Books, K-2
Learning Sight Words is Easy, K-2
Evan Moor
Science: Read and Understand, 1-2
Beginning Geography, Vol. 2
Kathy Troxel
Addition and Subtraction Songs
Geography Songs
States and Capitals
Software (for Mac)
Sponge Bob Typing (they ASK to do their typing!)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Adoption Update: Months 13-15
In spite of my own health issues, the last 3-4 months have been quite wonderful for our family. It is almost like the proverbial "light switch" has been flipped; the newest additions to the family have really settled in and are doing fantastic!
I would have to say the biggest change is in the eldest boy. He has settled considerably, and is very affectionate. He is my "sweet boy." He loves doing anything to help Mom, and has become quite thoughtful and kind. He likes to try new things (e.g. basketball), and now does not have a defeatist attitude when he can't do things perfectly the first time. He is also making great strides in language and school; he is still quite active and very loud, but not exasperatingly hyperactive anymore. This behavioral improvement may be due to changes in diet (eliminating red food dye, reducing overall sugar intake, and increasing dietary essential fatty acids)... or it simply may be "tincture of time." Only the Lord knows, but I am very grateful and so thankful!
The youngest boy continues to excel in school and is also quite affectionate. I love his morning hugs! He still struggles with bladder control, and we realize that these issues are behavioral/ grief-related issues (control). Aside from this one challenge, he is quite happy and well-adjusted. He displays no anger or inappropriate behaviors at all. He is very intelligent and genuinely kind. He enjoys school and learning, but most of all loves hanging out with his older brothers. Before bed, he runs to tell everyone in the house "Good-night, I love you!" If he forgets, he sends me on a mission!
Our newest daughter is still a spit-fire! She remains high-spirited and quite dramatic, although her pouting is very much decreasing. This little one simply does not like hearing "no" or being corrected. She will often try to provoke me to a "word-war," which is usually the behavior that will result in disciplinary action. That being said, she has become very much the little helper at home, and loves spending time with me. She takes initiative and helps me even before I ask. Additionally, she is not fighting very much with her 8 year old sister much anymore; they have become good friends--- talking and giggling into the night. She still has a bit of grief work to do; she needs more one-on-one time than the others.
All of the kids have a true interest in learning the Word of God. Their Sunday School teachers say they are asking lots of good questions and are eager to participate in class discussions. They all adore having people over, especially other highschool-aged kids from church. The only behavior I have to watch for is my daughter becoming physically clingy with other girls (at least it's not boys!). She so desperately wants to be liked and noticed.
Thank you, Lord, for such gifts from above! Thank you for all of my dear children.
I would have to say the biggest change is in the eldest boy. He has settled considerably, and is very affectionate. He is my "sweet boy." He loves doing anything to help Mom, and has become quite thoughtful and kind. He likes to try new things (e.g. basketball), and now does not have a defeatist attitude when he can't do things perfectly the first time. He is also making great strides in language and school; he is still quite active and very loud, but not exasperatingly hyperactive anymore. This behavioral improvement may be due to changes in diet (eliminating red food dye, reducing overall sugar intake, and increasing dietary essential fatty acids)... or it simply may be "tincture of time." Only the Lord knows, but I am very grateful and so thankful!
The youngest boy continues to excel in school and is also quite affectionate. I love his morning hugs! He still struggles with bladder control, and we realize that these issues are behavioral/ grief-related issues (control). Aside from this one challenge, he is quite happy and well-adjusted. He displays no anger or inappropriate behaviors at all. He is very intelligent and genuinely kind. He enjoys school and learning, but most of all loves hanging out with his older brothers. Before bed, he runs to tell everyone in the house "Good-night, I love you!" If he forgets, he sends me on a mission!
Our newest daughter is still a spit-fire! She remains high-spirited and quite dramatic, although her pouting is very much decreasing. This little one simply does not like hearing "no" or being corrected. She will often try to provoke me to a "word-war," which is usually the behavior that will result in disciplinary action. That being said, she has become very much the little helper at home, and loves spending time with me. She takes initiative and helps me even before I ask. Additionally, she is not fighting very much with her 8 year old sister much anymore; they have become good friends--- talking and giggling into the night. She still has a bit of grief work to do; she needs more one-on-one time than the others.
All of the kids have a true interest in learning the Word of God. Their Sunday School teachers say they are asking lots of good questions and are eager to participate in class discussions. They all adore having people over, especially other highschool-aged kids from church. The only behavior I have to watch for is my daughter becoming physically clingy with other girls (at least it's not boys!). She so desperately wants to be liked and noticed.
Thank you, Lord, for such gifts from above! Thank you for all of my dear children.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Health Battles
For those who don't know us really well, the past 4 months have been quite unusual. I developed subacute thyroiditis in late December. What started as an innocent inflammation of one side of the thyroid gland, quickly developed into a very uncomfortable hyperthyroid condition. I developed a 104 degree fever, had severe and unusual body pain, and lost a rather dramatic 10 pounds in a week. I also got the flu on top of this; I must say I felt wretched! The localized neck pain was moderate, but the heart palpitations and tachycardia were severe. I have been on beta blockers since that time; today is the first day that I have been able to stop medication. I am hopeful my blood pressure will increase a bit; I am so tired of feeling dizzy and unfocused.
Subacute thyroiditis is usually a viral condition that resolves on its own within several months. That does seem to be the case in my situation. I was hyperthyroid for approximately 10 weeks; I will now become hypothyroid for about the same length of time. My endocrinologist follows my progress via regular blood tests. Now that I appear to be through the hyperthyroid stage, the problematic arrhythmia should be a thing of the past. 95% of patients totally recover for this type of thyroiditis; only 5% require permanent thyroid replacement.
This relatively minor, although inconvenient and frightening virus completely knocked me off my feet. I have really never been in the situation of simply not being able to take care of my family--- or only being able to do very little for them. The illness has certainly given me a different attitude towards life, and I can not say that all of it has been positive--- at least at this point.
What I can say is that I am in genuine awe of people, who by God's grace, manage to care for their families and continue to homeschool their children when they are devastated by illness. One friend of mine has battled breast cancer for over 12 years, yet she continues to love and to serve her family like few of us ever could. I do stand in awe of my God who infuses her spirit with exactly what she needs every single day, to do what the Lord has for her to do. God is Good, and He alone is to be trusted!
Thanks to all of you who have prayed both for me and for my family through this trial. I'm feeling better every day, and I praise the Lord for His protection and healing.
Subacute thyroiditis is usually a viral condition that resolves on its own within several months. That does seem to be the case in my situation. I was hyperthyroid for approximately 10 weeks; I will now become hypothyroid for about the same length of time. My endocrinologist follows my progress via regular blood tests. Now that I appear to be through the hyperthyroid stage, the problematic arrhythmia should be a thing of the past. 95% of patients totally recover for this type of thyroiditis; only 5% require permanent thyroid replacement.
This relatively minor, although inconvenient and frightening virus completely knocked me off my feet. I have really never been in the situation of simply not being able to take care of my family--- or only being able to do very little for them. The illness has certainly given me a different attitude towards life, and I can not say that all of it has been positive--- at least at this point.
What I can say is that I am in genuine awe of people, who by God's grace, manage to care for their families and continue to homeschool their children when they are devastated by illness. One friend of mine has battled breast cancer for over 12 years, yet she continues to love and to serve her family like few of us ever could. I do stand in awe of my God who infuses her spirit with exactly what she needs every single day, to do what the Lord has for her to do. God is Good, and He alone is to be trusted!
Thanks to all of you who have prayed both for me and for my family through this trial. I'm feeling better every day, and I praise the Lord for His protection and healing.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Orphan Sunday 2011
So I'm a bit behind... I've had good reasons--- I promise! Here is the first in a series of family updates; we start with Orphan Sunday.
My church, Desert Springs Community Church, hosted its first Orphan Sunday on February 20, 2011. We were blessed beyond measure with the wonderful groups represented at our church: YWAM/Ethiopia, Building AZ Families, Christian Family Care, Aid to Adoption of Special Kids, OCJ Kids, World Orphans, and Sister Connection. Thank you to each group and person who made this day possible; it was an unbelievably important and special day to me. Caring for orphans occupies a major portion of my heart, and I am so thankful for organizations that serve so willingly.
I am also grateful to the Lord for the many lessons He has taught me through the physical adoption of children. It helped to prepare me for Orphan Sunday. One of the main lessons is not to have great expectations. That doesn't imply a fatalist attitude; it simply recognizes that God owns and controls everything. Things are what they are, and they happen in the Lord's time, not mine. He just asks for my obedience, not my perfect performance.
That being said, Orphan Sunday was a work of the Lord. It was what He wanted it to be. Whether it brought attention and raised awareness of orphans is not my responsibility. I did what I believed the Lord told me to; the "success" or "failure" of Project: James 1:27 rests on His shoulders. My main hope for this day was simply to instill some sort of awareness at Desert Springs of the enormous magnitude of the global orphan crisis. 163 million orphans. It's difficult to even process the number, let alone realize that each and every number represents a living soul--- struggling to live and breathe and survive. Sadly, I don't really know whether people in the church cared or not. Only the Lord knows.
One of the highlights of my day was to hear my Pastor preach on serving others. Hearing the Word of God... knowing what it says about caring for orphans and widows is critical to every believer. We simply MUST hear the truth, and hear it repeatedly. We must be encouraged to respond, and be given opportunity to respond. And we can't hear the truth only once a year; we have too short of memories and are too intrinsically selfish for that sort of lackadaisical approach.This is an awesome responsibility of church leadership. And when believers actually hear what God says about orphans and widows, how can any deny that this is a crucial mandate of the church? I pray with every fiber of my being that someone, anyone is hearing and responding to the call to rescue the lost. Come on, church!
On a lighter note, the other highlight of Orphan Sunday was simply opening up my home to others who love the Lord. I am so touched to have had the sheer pleasure of meeting and getting to know some of my fellow warriors, in particular Julie Gumm of World Orphans, Chris and Jeff Butler of YWAM/Ethiopia.
It is such a joy to meet others who give their very lives to serving the Lord through caring for His kids. You ladies (oh, and Jeff, too!) inspire me to continue on in the area of orphan care.
I wonder what next year's Orphan Sunday will bring?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)